Respect: A Reconsideration (Part One)
I cannot count how often I talk about, hear or read about the word “Respect” in my work with people in the helping profession.
Recently, I have been experiencing a great incongruence between what I consider to be respect/respectful and what I am actually witnessing or experiencing in my interactions as I work/talk with people, consider “interventions” and navigate various programs.
I often hear parents talk about respecting their teens, spouses respecting their partners and programs proclaiming to work with their client population based on the principle of respect. However, despite the good intentions of these people and programs, the stories of many teens, partners and clients portray that they often do not feel understood or respected.
This inconsistency has always frustrated me. So, I thought that I must get back to the “definition” or concept of respect as a starting point for exploration. In interviewing over 100 people, I was interested to learn that they all agreed on the same definition as a way of understanding respect. That was, what is often referred to as the “Golden Rule:
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“We should treat people the way that we want to be treated.”
Considering this, I had to ask myself, “I wonder if this is where we may be going ‘wrong’?”
In considering my location, I had to question, “I wonder how many people would like to be treated like me; white, middleclass, heterosexual male?” Beyond this, my values, opinions, goals and aspirations are probably also very different from other people.
If I was to abide by the “Golden Rule” and define respect with my self as the main reference point, I may be on the “wrong foot” or the “wrong track”. I’m not sure how I can respect someone without getting to know them, without understanding who they are, their needs, their wants; their subjective experience of their world. Further to this, as a helper, how would it be possible for me to assist or support somebody to identify and meet important life goals if I did not know them?
I think it is important to reconsider the “Golden Rule” (I really don’t care much for “Rules” anyways). I think it is critical that we change the way that we define the concept of respect so that the onus is exactly that, “on-us”.
How about trying this:
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“We should do our best to treat people the way that they would like to be treated.”
This statement by definition places responsibility on the “respecter” to get to know the “respected”, to have relationship. In this manner, it is necessary for individuals, groups, programs that purport to “respect” others, to get to know the subjective experience of the people that they are claiming to respect.
Therefore, if I want to demonstrate respect to someone, it is my responsibility to have relationship with them and tune into (learn about) their subjective experience. The reference point must shift from my location to their location; from knowing me to wanting and getting to know them. This is necessary if I am going to approximate my understanding of them; their location (gender, race, culture, social class, sexual orientation, and religion), values, opinions, needs, goals and aspirations.
From this perspective, parents, partners and programs that purport to respect teens, partners and clients will have to be active in:
- a) Shifting their reference point from “I/Us” to “them”
- b) Suspending their assumptions about others’ locations, others’ experiences (values, opinions, thoughts and feelings) and others’ personal preferences (needs, wants, goals, aspirations)
Both of the above require relationship; getting to know the other person and making an effort to accept and understand their experience as best as possible.
It is true that “doing respect” from this perspective is active. It is a process that is on-going and yes, time consuming. However, my experience has been that, aside from significant, meaningful and life-affirming relationships, doing respect in this manner generates a myriad of other positive by-products.
My experience to this point in my career as a human being and a professional helper has been that Respect, also begets success. What I mean is, a relationship founded on respect (in this light) for other is one that is characterized by safety, trust, acceptance and understanding. Relationships done in this way are facilitative. They are the “vessels” or “conduits” to life affirming choices, changes and personal growth. My experience has been that when people feel respected, are affirmed in their experiences, accepted for who they are and understood, they experience an increase in motivation, cooperation and personal responsibility; qualities that can increase success in defining, pursuing and attaining life preferences/goals.
If we are going to modify the way we do respect, we must re-orient ourselves away from what is encouraged by the “Golden Rule”.
We must move away from me/us as the reference point to you/them. While this will take time, a willingness to learn, and a commitment to relationship, the advantages can range from satisfying, favorable and unbelievable to absolutely miraculous.